Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Graceful... totally...

Do you ever have days that make you question your intellect or question why in the hell other people let you live on your own or drive a vehicle?  I have those days all the time... Saturday was one of those days for me. I went and got my hair cut and styled that morning, then, I stopped and grabbed some lunch and went to work. I have to hike up 3 flights of stairs to get to my cube. Alright, so I’m on my way up the stairs w/ my lunch and my full, large Dr Pepper… (you see where this is going right?) and I am on the last flight of stairs, I can see the door… and I catch the toe of my flip flop on the stair and fall down. I dropped the DrP and it went EVERYWHERE… but this was overshadowed by the fact that I landed w/ all my weight on my right “girl” and hit my stomach and knees on lower stairs… awesome. So… now… I have a huge bruise on my chest right above my right "girl" and it looks awful and it hurts. I also have matching bruises on my stomach and knees where I landed on the edge of the stairs.  Not to mention that my hair style was ruined because I soaked myself in Dr Pepper. I had to use an entire roll of paper towels to clean up the mess I made and my "girl" hurt for the rest of the day. Awesome. FYI… did you know that Dr Pepper has more “hold” than any gel or hairspray I have EVER used?? It totally does, but it makes your hair crunchy and kinda sticky at the same time, so I would not suggest it

Out of everything I was thinking “DAMNIT! I really wanted that Dr Pepper!” because it was all hot and gross outside. The next thought was "Thank God that this happened on the cement stairs, not the carpeted ones", because I really really really did not want to explain that to our director.  I didn’t even really notice the pain until after I went to the bathroom and cleaned myself up and washed all the Dr Pepper off my hands and arms and neck and chest and face. Then the pain kicked in, it still kinda hurts to move in certain ways and to breathe really deep. I slept on Saturday night with a big bag of frozen corn on my chest to avoid further bruising... it didn't work.

My stepmother has called me Grace since I was really young, yeah, this is obviously the perfect nickname for yours truly.  Maybe, someday, I won't be so damn clumsy... but I doubt it.

Monday, June 6, 2011


Every once in a while at work, the powers that be send out "gentle reminders" of policies that are supposed to be used, but are sometimes forgotten.  I have decided to take it upon myself to send out some reminders to the general population... here goes...

Hand washing etiquite: Ok kids, let's go over it again... after you go to the bathroom, you need to wash your hands with soap and water. This should not be an optional thing. We are all grown ass people who know to wash their hands after going to the potty and doing God knows what in the stall.  Also, turning on the water and splashing your hands under it for 2.7 seconds does not count as washing your hands. That actually makes it worse... when someone does this, they have demonstrated that they know that they are supposed to wash their naistee hands, but have decided to be lazy and not use soap. uh... EW!  If there is no soap, please use hand sanitizer.

Clothing/Undergarments. These should always be worn. I am not exactly sure why I need to issue a reminder on this subject, but apparently I do. While we are on this topic, just because you can cram yourself into an item of clothing and it doesn't explode at the seams does not mean it fits, it means that you haven't had to sneeze, fart, or breathe yet... believe me, when you have to do one of these functions, that shit is gonna break.  To quote my friend Mallory, "You should never look like a 10 pound sausage in a 5 pound wrapper." Ladies... I realize it is summer time now and its like a million and a half degrees outside, but please look in a mirror before you leave the house. Now, I could cram myself into a tube top and booty shorts, but I don't because I know that NO ONE wants to see that, so, please cover it up a little bit. Also, if you are deciding to wear a short skirt, 1: please wear full underwear and 2: please do a "bend check" before you leave the house. This would be where you put on the skirt and then bend to make sure your ass isn't completely exposed when you have to bend/move/do anything other than stand or sit completely still. You would think that this goes without saying, but the last time husband and I went to a particular restaurant, a waitress kept bending over in a very short skirt and we could see her undies everytime. Not awesome.

My mom and I go kayaking every summer. I fall out of the stupid damn kayak every summer. If you see me, or anyone else, fall out of their kayak, do not stand on the bank and point and laugh while the person struggles to get all their shit flipped back upright and into the proper spot. It will make me... uh... kayaking people want to beat the shit out of you with the paddle.

Like I said earlier in this post, it is now summer time and it is a bazillion and ten degrees outside y'all, but please do not wear a lampshade as a hat. I realize that the normal head coverings may be kinda boring, but seriously? When I see someone wearing a lampshade as a hat while I am on my way home from work after a VERY trying day, I will turn around in my car and about swerve into the car next to mine, let's avoid this ok? I mean, seriously?  What made you decide that a lampshade was a good hat?  "HEY!!  I'm tired of wearing my hat and this here thingy will fit on my head, I'm gonna wear it on my head for a while!" Um... really?

This last point isn't a reminder, but more of a warm fuzzy. I would like to add a shout out to Ben & Jerry's ice cream company.  Ok, you guys remember how I went to the grocery store and bought ice cream while it was all blizzardy outside and I lost it somewhere between the grocery store and my apartment? That was in either January or February, well... guess what... husband found it. It was in my car under the passenger seat. Uh, I totally looked there but whatevs. Let me tell y'all something, that ice cream was in my car for about 4 months and it didn't leak at all. Whoever packs that stuff at the factory deserves a Nobel Prize for awesome!  Ok, that's it for now, more later.

Can you guys think of any reminders that I have missed?